Make the Most of Your Marriage

Setting Proper Expectations for a Successful Relationship

Relationships are such an important part of life. Good relationships have the ability to bring us tremendous joy and satisfaction; however, unhealthy relationships can be extremely difficult. This applies even more to a marriage relationship.

My husband, Dave, and I have been married over 54 years, and I can honestly say we have a great marriage. However, it takes effort and a willingness to let God change us and show us how to grow closer in Him.

Over the years, the Lord has taught me some great lessons about marriage, and I think one of the most important things we can do is examine our expectations.

Having unrealistic expectations can sabotage a marriage before it ever really gets started. So many people enter marriage expecting their spouse to be something they are not. Or they have the unrealistic expectation that their marriage partner will be able to keep them happy all of the time.

For starters, I think it’s important to realize the way you feel when you’re dating is different than how you’ll feel after you’ve been married for a while.

In the beginning, everything is new and exciting and emotions are running high. But a day will come when all of those same emotions won’t necessarily be there, and that’s okay. 

For instance, just because I don’t melt into the carpet every time Dave walks into the room, it doesn’t mean I love him any less than before. In fact, I love him more! Our love is deeper and it’s based on years of experience and getting to know each other. We have a quality of relationship now that is so much greater than when we first met.

 “My Spouse Will Keep Me Happy”

I think it’s common for people to think their spouse will be the solution to their problems, especially if they’ve been waiting a long time to get married. But one of the greatest lessons the Lord ever taught me is that we’re all responsible for our own joy and happiness—there’s no one who can do it for us.

I ran into this problem early on in my marriage. Because of the sexual abuse I suffered as a child, I had a lot of issues—I was unhappy, fearful and insecure. Right away, I began expecting Dave to be everything I ever needed. I didn’t realize it right away, but I was placing the responsibility on him to keep me happy and feeling good about myself.

Ephesians 3:17 (AMPC) says, May Christ through your faith [actually] dwell (settle down, abide, make His permanent home) in your hearts! May you be rooted deep in love and founded securely on love.

In the early years, I was extremely insecure—I wasn’t rooted and grounded in God’s love. As a result, I always required Dave to keep me “propped up” with compliments. I didn’t understand my self-worth, so I was looking to him to give it to me.

Thank God, He helped me to finally receive my confidence from Him and not from other people. He allowed me to see that as long as I required other people to get my “fix” and feel good about myself, I would always be miserable and living on shaky ground.

I often say that one of the greatest gifts you can give to those you love is a healthy you—spirit, soul and body. Because when you truly discover who you are in Christ and begin to receive your joy and satisfaction from Him, then you add value to all of your relationships. It becomes more about what you can give instead of what you can get.